Propsition H8 and Racism

(I wrote this just after the ruling on Prop 8 ) Prop 8. Why didn't the proponents do a better job defending it? Are they waiting for the inevitable appeals? Whatever happens, if higher courts reverse the ruling, it is still a victory. Steps in the right direction. It takes time. I am one of the lucky ones... I married a man. I have time.

I used to think that my fascination with same sex rights stemmed from being the "racial" in an interracial marriage. Less than a century ago, my husband and I would not have been able to be legally married in the state of California. My husband was even told, while we were dating, that according to the Bible he should marry within his own race. I relate racism to the fight for same sex rights, and I have felt the sting of it. When my husband and I were first dating 20 years ago, we would get funny stares as we walked hand in hand in the grocery store, and he was asked on at least one occasion what it was like to date an Asian (after all, Asian women are submissive, right?).

Hypotheticals are bullshit... you won't understand the discrimination until it is you on the wrong end of it. You won't understand that equal but separate is not the same. You may think you do, until it is you.

The Good Parts of Coming Out

*another post I wrote months ago and am just posting...

I used to wonder, am I truly bisexual, or is it a phase, the newest thing to post on Facebook lol. But when my husband asked me, and I answered that I was, he said it made a lot of sense, and that it explained a lot of little things that he had felt since he met me 21 years ago (I'm still not sure what those things are). That feedback helped me to realize that what I am, I have always been, but I never had the vocabulary to express it to myself or others (thus the happiness and fulfillment that come with self-identification).

I've been remembering things from 25 years ago... feelings I never shared, self-censoring in front of friends, things like that. So much makes sense.

I am a woman. I am fluid in my sexuality. The potential is infinite. It is the people in my life who keep me anchored... I have all the love I want and need. Potential may remain unfulfilled, but my heart is definitely fulfilled. I am happy, in the aspects of my life that count.

Anna Paquin is my hero, in a way. She came out as bisexual right before she was about to be married to a man. Not only does she have IMO perfect boobs, she is also IMO courageous. I remember watching her video and thinking, "there I am."

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It was 21 years ago that my friend, a gay man, first told me the joke that "Bisexuals... they're just greedy!" I wonder if homosexuals have more in common with heterosexuals than with bisexuals. Even my husband has said that it would be easier for him to understand if I were lesbian, than bi. Of course, if I *were* lesbian, I don't know how our marriage could continue. As it is, there have been a lot of tears and deep heart to heart conversations as we navigate uncharted waters.

There seems to be more support for "wives of men who have come out of the closet" than for husbands. Also there is little out there regarding coming out bi in a marriage. A lot of what I have been reading has been about how one partner comes out after having a same-sex affair, and how it shatters the marriage and the family. That is so not my experience and not what I want. I'm not leaving anybody! I'm not changing anything!

I reassure my husband daily, and he reassures me. It has brought us so much closer, at a time when we needed it. Watching him cope with this reminds me of why I fell in love with him so long ago. There is such a depth of love and emotion in him that is rare to find. It has been beautiful watching it come out once more. It has been beautiful seeing the love in his eyes once more.

His love gives me the strength to be what I am, that and the love and support of others who mean so much to me.

Labels, Diagrams, and A Bit More Fear

"And I don't want the world to see me, Cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am." --Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls

There have been a lot of questions about identity lately, and definitions. Why *do* I feel the need to define myself, especially at a point in my life when it doesn't matter? Who really cares but me, and if they do care, why should they? But tho I believe that the world will one day be truly accepting, we are far from that point. People *do* care, for one reason or another, what other people think or feel or do. Words are powerful. I'm not heterosexual. I'm not lesbian. I'm unique, a flavor all of my own. Isn't everybody?

Today I calculated my Klein diagram. My husband had done his, and was curious to see mine.

I used to wonder why I had such a difficult time communicating with people. After joining Mensa, I realized it is because I am a few steps away from "normal." It's called deviations lol.

No more wondering. It's the same thing with my sexuality. I have always known I was a bit different in the way I saw things, but I didn't know really in what way. Seeing my Klein diagram and my husband's side by side was an interesting experience... now I know, I am once again a few deviations away from "normal." Not a lot, but enough for it to be meaningful.

*these entries were written a 6-ish months ago and meant to be posted weekly... I kinda fell behind lol

Why Am I Writing This?

Hubby is a graduate of years of group therapy and ongoing AA meetings... so he is into talking, analyzing, and talking some more. Which is good... mostly. :)

Why am I sharing all of this? Who really cares or wants to read it? I'm not sure... but I want to write it. It's like therapy for me... and perhaps it will get others to think about their own experiences, or for those who will never go through something like this, a way to humanize it for them... to help them understand what it is like to open that door and take a step out. And I am one of the lucky ones, with loving and supportive family and friends and nothing really to lose.

Fear of Coming Out

I am overwhelmed at times by fear... I have not changed, but I feel that everybody's perception of me could change. I am not going to tell anybody at work... in a way, what is the use of advertising my sexuality, if I am not in search of a partner? I'm definitely not telling my best friend at work. She would think I want to jump her (ick!) and would undoubtedly describe me to her other friends as "her bisexual friend."

I can see women coworkers complaining about me using the ladies' room with them (it happened with a transgender woman... she was living as a woman but had not yet completed surgery, and somebody complained about her using the women's restroom. She already had boobs... was she supposed to use the men's room???)

At other times I wonder why I should say anything to anybody... but more and more I identify with causes and want to freely speak my mind and proudly wear my pride.

Another thing that troubles me is coming out to my sons. They're 10 and 12 and have no clue. I have raised them to be tolerant and open minded, but how do you bring this up? The 10 yo said today that a kid at school said he was gay. My son said it freaked him out a bit. I think we need to talk a bit more about it... and maybe that will be an opportunity...

Coming Out Bisexual, Aftermath

I've never been involved in any sort of "lifestyle" or "community." I'm just a working mom from a small suburb. I find it strange to have a "label" now, when I'm still just me. I also feel strangely "different" being bisexual as opposed to lesbian or hetero.

Now I am the butt of hetero *and* gay jokes lol! (I've heard from gay friends the joke about bisexual people "just being greedy"). Do gay people think bisexuality is as strange as straight people do? Do bi's get their own group?
 

I also explained that this doesn't mean I'm going to run off to San Francisco and join the circus or become active on the LGBT "Scene" whatever or wherever that is. I'm not going to hang out in gay bars or put a rainbow sticker or a bi flag sticker on my car (tho it IS very pretty!!!).
 

I said, it's like how I have a pair of handcuffs, but it's not like I want to be part of the BDSM scene. I don't know any rules or social conventions; I just know who I am.
 

And yet I feel a kinship with people I don't know, based upon what I know about myself. It is very much akin to joining Mensa... and being unique in a group of unique people. Coming out as a "smart person" was almost as daunting as coming out bi, in some ways! But I want to live my life as ME now and embrace all that I am.

Wrapping my head around Fritz Klein

So as it started to sink in that my wife was bisexual, pansexual or anything but monosexual, I went through the usual process I go through to understand a thing. I read. I Google and I research. As Kate mentions, I had fears - real fears she would leave me for a woman, experience some biological lesbian imperative to be with another woman or some other thing which would end our relationship. To offer some insight and potential comfort I set out to gauge how bisexual she was. Looking back this was an effort to somehow control my/our life. But the emotions were strong and I needed to understand what the future might be.

I knew of Kinsey's research and his scale of 0 - 6, 0 being exclusively heterosexual and 6 being exclusively homosexual. We spoke of this and Kate thought she might be a 1 - 2 on this scale. I came across Fitz Klein's 4 quadrant scale and his test. I decided to take the test and, no surprise to myself, I came out in the lower left quadrant pretty close to 0 0. Kate's graph was very different than mine as she was still technically in the lower left quadrant but very close to center. As we compared our graphs it offered a kind of picture of what I had suspected. I don't know why I felt it strangely comforting to see her graph. Pictorial validation perhaps?

I started to buy books about sexual fluidity in women and the straight spouse trapped in the closet after the gay/bi spouse comes out of the closet.

Of the second type of book I describe, some of the stories I could relate - to a degree. But many stories I couldn't relate to. The stories of spouses coming out of the closet were typically accompanied by: the discovery of long term infidelities, gross lifestyle deception, callous disregard for the straight spouse's feelings, damaged children, rejection from community and churches, polyamory and divorce. As Kate and I had never experienced any of these explosive events, drawing strength and connection with these people was difficult. I did, however, experience gratitude for not having had to endure these sorts of hellish events I read about.

In terms of sexual fluidity - what I started to read was that I, as a "monosexual", am a bit more rare than I would have ever suspected. Who knew? Some of the informational posts I was starting to get from my wife from other bisexual bloggers she was reading made monosexuality sound almost primitive and a condition worthy of pity. Funny how some people need to tear down other people even though they themselves may be oppressed. Gratefully my wife is not that camp.

So how was it then that she came to find out she was bisexual if she had not discovered some woman she was attracted to? As she explained to me when I asked this very question, her visceral reaction and opposition to California Prop 8 was a big clue.