Propsition H8 and Racism

(I wrote this just after the ruling on Prop 8 ) Prop 8. Why didn't the proponents do a better job defending it? Are they waiting for the inevitable appeals? Whatever happens, if higher courts reverse the ruling, it is still a victory. Steps in the right direction. It takes time. I am one of the lucky ones... I married a man. I have time.

I used to think that my fascination with same sex rights stemmed from being the "racial" in an interracial marriage. Less than a century ago, my husband and I would not have been able to be legally married in the state of California. My husband was even told, while we were dating, that according to the Bible he should marry within his own race. I relate racism to the fight for same sex rights, and I have felt the sting of it. When my husband and I were first dating 20 years ago, we would get funny stares as we walked hand in hand in the grocery store, and he was asked on at least one occasion what it was like to date an Asian (after all, Asian women are submissive, right?).

Hypotheticals are bullshit... you won't understand the discrimination until it is you on the wrong end of it. You won't understand that equal but separate is not the same. You may think you do, until it is you.

The Good Parts of Coming Out

*another post I wrote months ago and am just posting...

I used to wonder, am I truly bisexual, or is it a phase, the newest thing to post on Facebook lol. But when my husband asked me, and I answered that I was, he said it made a lot of sense, and that it explained a lot of little things that he had felt since he met me 21 years ago (I'm still not sure what those things are). That feedback helped me to realize that what I am, I have always been, but I never had the vocabulary to express it to myself or others (thus the happiness and fulfillment that come with self-identification).

I've been remembering things from 25 years ago... feelings I never shared, self-censoring in front of friends, things like that. So much makes sense.

I am a woman. I am fluid in my sexuality. The potential is infinite. It is the people in my life who keep me anchored... I have all the love I want and need. Potential may remain unfulfilled, but my heart is definitely fulfilled. I am happy, in the aspects of my life that count.

Anna Paquin is my hero, in a way. She came out as bisexual right before she was about to be married to a man. Not only does she have IMO perfect boobs, she is also IMO courageous. I remember watching her video and thinking, "there I am."

----------

It was 21 years ago that my friend, a gay man, first told me the joke that "Bisexuals... they're just greedy!" I wonder if homosexuals have more in common with heterosexuals than with bisexuals. Even my husband has said that it would be easier for him to understand if I were lesbian, than bi. Of course, if I *were* lesbian, I don't know how our marriage could continue. As it is, there have been a lot of tears and deep heart to heart conversations as we navigate uncharted waters.

There seems to be more support for "wives of men who have come out of the closet" than for husbands. Also there is little out there regarding coming out bi in a marriage. A lot of what I have been reading has been about how one partner comes out after having a same-sex affair, and how it shatters the marriage and the family. That is so not my experience and not what I want. I'm not leaving anybody! I'm not changing anything!

I reassure my husband daily, and he reassures me. It has brought us so much closer, at a time when we needed it. Watching him cope with this reminds me of why I fell in love with him so long ago. There is such a depth of love and emotion in him that is rare to find. It has been beautiful watching it come out once more. It has been beautiful seeing the love in his eyes once more.

His love gives me the strength to be what I am, that and the love and support of others who mean so much to me.

Labels, Diagrams, and A Bit More Fear

"And I don't want the world to see me, Cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am." --Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls

There have been a lot of questions about identity lately, and definitions. Why *do* I feel the need to define myself, especially at a point in my life when it doesn't matter? Who really cares but me, and if they do care, why should they? But tho I believe that the world will one day be truly accepting, we are far from that point. People *do* care, for one reason or another, what other people think or feel or do. Words are powerful. I'm not heterosexual. I'm not lesbian. I'm unique, a flavor all of my own. Isn't everybody?

Today I calculated my Klein diagram. My husband had done his, and was curious to see mine.

I used to wonder why I had such a difficult time communicating with people. After joining Mensa, I realized it is because I am a few steps away from "normal." It's called deviations lol.

No more wondering. It's the same thing with my sexuality. I have always known I was a bit different in the way I saw things, but I didn't know really in what way. Seeing my Klein diagram and my husband's side by side was an interesting experience... now I know, I am once again a few deviations away from "normal." Not a lot, but enough for it to be meaningful.

*these entries were written a 6-ish months ago and meant to be posted weekly... I kinda fell behind lol

Why Am I Writing This?

Hubby is a graduate of years of group therapy and ongoing AA meetings... so he is into talking, analyzing, and talking some more. Which is good... mostly. :)

Why am I sharing all of this? Who really cares or wants to read it? I'm not sure... but I want to write it. It's like therapy for me... and perhaps it will get others to think about their own experiences, or for those who will never go through something like this, a way to humanize it for them... to help them understand what it is like to open that door and take a step out. And I am one of the lucky ones, with loving and supportive family and friends and nothing really to lose.

Fear of Coming Out

I am overwhelmed at times by fear... I have not changed, but I feel that everybody's perception of me could change. I am not going to tell anybody at work... in a way, what is the use of advertising my sexuality, if I am not in search of a partner? I'm definitely not telling my best friend at work. She would think I want to jump her (ick!) and would undoubtedly describe me to her other friends as "her bisexual friend."

I can see women coworkers complaining about me using the ladies' room with them (it happened with a transgender woman... she was living as a woman but had not yet completed surgery, and somebody complained about her using the women's restroom. She already had boobs... was she supposed to use the men's room???)

At other times I wonder why I should say anything to anybody... but more and more I identify with causes and want to freely speak my mind and proudly wear my pride.

Another thing that troubles me is coming out to my sons. They're 10 and 12 and have no clue. I have raised them to be tolerant and open minded, but how do you bring this up? The 10 yo said today that a kid at school said he was gay. My son said it freaked him out a bit. I think we need to talk a bit more about it... and maybe that will be an opportunity...

Coming Out Bisexual, Aftermath

I've never been involved in any sort of "lifestyle" or "community." I'm just a working mom from a small suburb. I find it strange to have a "label" now, when I'm still just me. I also feel strangely "different" being bisexual as opposed to lesbian or hetero.

Now I am the butt of hetero *and* gay jokes lol! (I've heard from gay friends the joke about bisexual people "just being greedy"). Do gay people think bisexuality is as strange as straight people do? Do bi's get their own group?
 

I also explained that this doesn't mean I'm going to run off to San Francisco and join the circus or become active on the LGBT "Scene" whatever or wherever that is. I'm not going to hang out in gay bars or put a rainbow sticker or a bi flag sticker on my car (tho it IS very pretty!!!).
 

I said, it's like how I have a pair of handcuffs, but it's not like I want to be part of the BDSM scene. I don't know any rules or social conventions; I just know who I am.
 

And yet I feel a kinship with people I don't know, based upon what I know about myself. It is very much akin to joining Mensa... and being unique in a group of unique people. Coming out as a "smart person" was almost as daunting as coming out bi, in some ways! But I want to live my life as ME now and embrace all that I am.

I Kissed a Girl... Well Actually I Didn't

He was curious how I felt about kissing another woman. I told him, I don't imagine it would be much different than kissing a man, except perhaps the lack of stubble. It's not like I have a technique thought up in my mind, kwim?

He said that is what makes me different, how he always "knew" there was something different but was never sure if I was bi. Apparently for a "normal" heterosexual, the thought of kissing a person of the same gender is akin to letting a dog stick its tongue in your mouth--ick!!!

He expressed fears that I will become "bi-curious" and want to experiment with a woman. I explained that I would consider "experimentation" to still be cheating, and it wouldn't happen. I have enough love in my life; my heart is content, and my body can be placated.

Everybody who loved me yesterday, still loves me today. Never take love for granted, but never underestimate its strength.

Coming Out Bisexual, Day 2

Perhaps I used the wrong term when I said "pansexual." Hubby looked it up online yesterday and was freaked out. He thought I saw a world of sexless people, any of whom would be attractive to me. He thought I was negating his masculinity.

How wrong! I am so glad he wanted to talk about it. I explained that to me, it means not sexless but that I appreciate the masculine *and* the feminine. Perhaps simply "bisexual" is a better word after all. We both feel better now. Words have so much power, don't they?

I also explained to him that standards still apply!!! Meaning, it's not like I'm attracted to any or everyone who comes along!!! And I admitted that I'd take Angelina over Brad any day lol. Being able to say that out loud was amusing, but empowering. I had admitted to a same-sex attraction, even if it was a Hollywood star.

"Honey, Are You Bi?" Coming Out Bisexual in a Heterosexual Marriage

One night after the kids went to bed, as my husband and I had our evening tea, he turned to me and said he had a question to ask me. We'd been having some couple problems and been trying to overcome them. It felt like we had grown apart... his recovery and my journey of self-discovery had put us on two different paths for some time. So late-night conversations were commonplace as we strove to find each other again, but the question this night surprised us both.

"Honey, are you bisexual?" he asked in a calm voice. To both of our surprise, I answered, "Yes, actually... I think I am."

We had been talking about a short story I had written a few years ago, erotic fiction about two women... well, about me and some unknown woman. He had had a strong reaction to it at the time (was challenged by it)... he had been very "concerned" and wanted to know if we needed to have a talk. At the time, I was too scared of his reaction, so I told him no, it was just fiction, trying to see things from another angle and such. We never talked about it again.

He said he'd been wondering since he read that story... and that he had felt there was something all along. I told him I'd been wondering since then how to tell him, without making it sound like I was unhappy with him. I explained to him what I felt I was, pansexual, and that I didn't consider myself "bi-curious" because it's not like I have the urge to go experience sex with a woman. I merely hold the potential within myself, and it may remain unfulfilled for the rest of my life, because I have already chosen my mate and have my family.

I hadn't thought I was concerned about his reaction except that he would think I was leaving him for a woman or something silly like that... but I must say... I was tremendously relieved when he did not look at me with disgust, or distrust, or hatred, or any of a myriad things that crossed my mind in that flash of panic after I said "yes." I mean, I *knew* he wouldn't think less of me, but knowing and having it happen real time... well, I was just relieved, and I think he was too.

So, there was fear, a little anger, tears, confusion, questions, more tears (all mine, I cry so easily)... but in the end, amazingly, there was only love. It's strange how this has brought us in many ways closer than ever, at a time in our marriage when we really needed it.

Bisexual, Pansexual, Omnisexual... Oh My!

As I started nurturing myself, looking within to see who I had grown up to be, I realized I was bi-curious. That's a word I didn't know when I was young.

From dictionary.com:

bi-curious  — adj, considering experimenting with bisexuality

So then, I was curious. I couldn't very well experiment, as I was faithful to my vows, but I was curious enough to look up bisexual in wikipedia. But it didn't really click for me until I came across the word pansexual and the phrase "People, not pronouns" on, of all places, Facebook. People... not pronouns. Not men, not women, not him or her... THAT made sense to me!

I remember the thrill it gave me when I saw that word and first applied it to myself. I had a group of friends on Facebook and started tossing the word about. "I'm pansexual!" I tried it on, and it seemed to fit.

But I didn't tell my husband.

My Life Before Bisexuality

I've been a bit different all my life. I knew I wasn't a lesbian, so I figured I must be heterosexual. I didn't know bisexual was an option! (I know, that sounds lame, doesn't it!)

When I was in high school (in the 80s), there were no Gay/Straight outreach groups yet. LGBT didn't exist. There were no openly gay boys. There was one girl I knew was lesbian, but only because I had seen her making out with a girl in a dark corner of the mall. There was no internet, no Google to ask questions of. So even though I didn't live an exactly sheltered life, there was not much information out there. I knew what gay was, and I was not. So I assumed I was straight.

As I got older, I had a fascination with gay people and gay rights. I didn't know many gay people and was not part of the culture, but it still intrigued me. I didn't find many women attractive though, so I continued to think I was straight. I attributed my interest to the fact that I was the racial part of an interracial couple, and my own marriage would have been considered illegal a generation ago in California.

I met my husband when I was 21, and we've been together since. We've had our ups and downs as a couple, but all in all, it's been a good 20+ years together. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Ten years ago, my husband entered a recovery program for alcoholics. I won't really get into that here, but it was a difficult time for the family, and most of my energies were devoted to his recovery and keeping everything together during that.

A few years ago, I started feeling that his recovery was going well enough that I could start concentrating on myself again. I wanted to find out who I was after all this time. What I found out was, I was bisexual!

The Husband Shall Chime In

So this is my first blog post. When my wife told me she was considering blogging about her experience as a bisexual woman who happened to be married to a member of the opposite sex, I was surprisingly open to the idea. I say "surprisingly" because I'm an incredibly private person. And this material falls under that domain in my life. However, like Kate mentions, it has been nearly impossible to find information about the experience of being on both sides of the closet (pre and post coming out) in a marriage largely intact. No extra marital affairs, no wife coming home announcing she's in love with another women, no divorce, no public shaming in church, no disclosing to the kids we're separating, and on... Statistics are to be found, true. But hidden are the stories and experiences by, what seems to be a hidden demographic in our society (and in research); self identified bisexual/pansexual women successfully coupled with heterosexual men.

On the flip side of success I won't say that this experience has been free of fear, anger or mistrust. It's a hell of a thing to wrap your head around the fact that your spouse experiences same sex attractions. One dimensional porn fantasies aside, the reality is at least five dimensional encompassing love, identity, trust, friendship and society. And yes, sexuality too. But, again, not sexuality in the realm of porn, but sexuality in the context of "Is my gender enough for her?" "Is she gender blind (thus negating my masculinity)?" "Does she prefer blonds or brunettes?" Oh, and girls night out no longer has the same comforting ring of pure platonic comradery. To be sure, I trust my wife but it has been a shift in perspective.

However as far as these things go, I'd much rather wrap my head around this than having her tell me that she has a lump if you know what I mean. I must admit that I'm very proud of the courage she's mustered going through this coming-out process. So as Kate concluded in her first post, I hope to help her share her story, in hopes of finding others to share with them and learn from.

@katesbidiary on Twitter

Hey look, I'm on Twitter! @katesbidiary

Ummm now if I can just get Handsome Hubby to explain it all to me... :)

Why Blog About Being a Married Bisexual?

I've been reading a lot of blogs about being bisexual lately. Well, not a lot. I've so far only found maybe 6 to a dozen that are active. A lot of interesting stories out there, but none that I can really relate to. 

You see, I am a typical suburban working mom. I don't drive a minivan, and my kids play video games rather than soccer, but I have a handsome husband, a nice little house in a nice little suburb, 2 sons, a dog, and a cat. My kids do ok in school, and my mom watches them in the afternoons 3 or 4 days a week.

You would think I was normal.

The thing is, I'm not, not entirely. I like boys, but I also like girls. Most of all, I love my husband, and I love my family, but that's not the entire story.

I am a semi-closeted bisexual woman (with no history of same-sex encounters) married to a heterosexual man. From what I have found (and not found) on the internet, that is a rare thing, and the fact that I want to continue to live my life being married and not seek same sex relationships outside my marriage seems to make it rarer still. I'm in no way judging those whose marriage ends or changes to an open marriage, but those are situations that I can't relate to.

I've seen research and articles about how a spouse's newly discovered bisexuality or homosexuality will ruin their marriage. How there will be soul searching, affairs, separations, divorce. I can see how this comes about, that with the awakening of sexuality comes a need to express it, and how the straight spouse feels betrayed.

What I haven't seen yet is a story like mine, one in which the couple stays happily married, and uses the bi spouse's coming out as a catalyst for communication and honesty that bring them closer at a time when they had drifted apart. Am I being naive?

So I present my story, in hopes of finding others to share with them and learn from.  :)