The Elephant in the Room

As my wife mentioned, I entered treatment for alcoholism some years ago. I've been sober AND happy for sometime. This is often a hard place to find for those of us who choose a life free from alcohol or other substances.

One of the cornerstones that helps make such a life possible is practicing honesty. Rigorous honesty about lives, our deeds (good and ill) and our motivations. In other words, honesty about ourselves. I know I'm not alone when I admit I have the ability to ignore the elephant standing in the room. I can convince myself the damn thing isn't there.

Such was the case with my wife's sexual identity. It is true she didn't tell me once she understood what she was. It is also true that I knew what she was - going back years in our relationship. Now, I didn't know about her bisexuality because I caught her gawking at other women. But there were subtle signs. Signs I still find hard to articulate. I compare it to listening to a radio station playing rock when occasionally I would hear, say, out of place jazz music mixed in the rock radio signal. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone, but it does to me.

I suppose as most couples do, we had the requisite conversation about our romantic pasts. As she mentions in a prior post, she didn't lead a sheltered life. She was far more sexually active prior to our meeting than I had been. But she had never been with another woman. Yet I felt at some level that she had that capacity. Over the years I had thought about asking her point blank if she considered herself bisexual. But in my generation, that's just one helluva question to ask your girlfriend/wife. Such a question might result in a good slap in the face! Plus the thought of asking that little question provoked great fear in me. In my past, asking life altering questions in prior relationships resulted in the end of the relationship. Once I had asked a girl if she was really planning on going to school on the opposite coast; her answer was yes - end of relationship. Another time I asked a girl if she really did cheat on me with her ex-boyfriend; her answer was yes - end of relationship. Following up on this track record with asking Kate if she was bisexual, well, you get the point.

Ah, but that damn elephant...